Ghosting, curving et autres joyeusetés
Posté : 24.12.19
Je suis tombé il y a peu sur un article intéressant de ce bon vieux Neil Strauss, dont j'ai déjà partagé quelques conseils sur FTS. C'est en anglais, j'ai un peu la flemme de traduire, mais en gros ça intéressera ceux qui se demandent pourquoi la femme avec laquelle le feeling était si bon ne donne plus de nouvelles du jour au lendemain (ghosting). Ou pire : elle continue à discuter mais évite toute tentative de rencontre en face à face (curving).
Neil Strauss a écrit :If you’ve ever been ghosted, and you’re still wondering what happened, allow me to bring closure and say the unsaid.
(And if you’re not familiar with the term, “ghosting” is when someone you’re dating vanishes without a trace and any communication. Curving, by the way, is when they keep responding but don't ever commit to anything, even meeting. It's the ghosting long game.)
Maybe it’s because more of us are living in bigger cities, with more distractions, and relate more through the digital ethers, so people feel like they can disappear into anonymity without consequence.
I’m writing about it because we often speak here of emotional intelligence. And at the heart of ghosting is emotional immaturity. When someone can’t communicate their emotions and needs, or handle the necessary momentary discomfort and vulnerability it takes to tell the truth, the only option is total avoidance – aka ghosting. In short, someone who ghosts doesn’t have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship anyway, so they’re doing you a favor.
But the problem is ghosting lacks compassion for the other. It causes more hurt than any face-to-face conversation would, because the ghosted person is left with a complete void to fill with any story and meaning their mind can come up with.
Most of the time, that void gets filled with a negative story about themselves. It reinforces what we’ve called here before someone’s “bag of shit,” the childhood story of abandonment or not being enough that’s haunted them their whole life.
So ghosting truly is a haunting. Though in fact, it means nothing about you. It says volumes about the ghost-er, not the ghost-ed.
If this has happened to you, here’s what their silence means:
I’m terrified of feeling uncomfortable, looking bad, and addressing emotionally mature conversations head on, but it’s really hard to admit.
Ultimately, I don’t want to feel any discomfort, or risk experiencing any emotions from you that are less than positive, so I just need to completely avoid the truth altogether, which is simply that I’m just not into this at this point in my life.
I have some work to do. And right now, my avoidance is more important to me than your feelings. Maybe one day I’ll be able to clear this up with you after becoming a functional adult. Until then: all the best! I hope you meet someone who is ready for what you have to offer, because I’m not yet.
P.S. I’m sorry if I pretend not to notice you in public. Please see the scared child in me.”
There. Now that you know, you can thank them for revealing their true colors, saving you time, and helping make space to find a more aligned, mature partner.