FTS

Kelly: Mid 20s, light blond and blue eyes, athletic, dates tons but never seems to make it to the second date. This love-em-and-leave-em gal has traveled the world and loves the online dating scene.

Lori: Blond, mid 30s but looks like she’s straight out of college. Has a great job but plays it cool – never lets the guys she picks up know that she made more money this year than they’ll make in the next ten.

Brenda: Early 30s, former serial dater, now a soccer mom with memories to spare and a body sculpted from daily aerobics.

Marie: Late 20s, Tall, dark hair, tough-minded career woman who doesn’t like games. A straight shooter who wants what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it.

Rene: Early 20s, exotic brunette with a body that won’t quit, likes guys who take action and keep their mouths shut.

Marie: Most guys need a lot of help.

Kelly: All he needs to do is ask me to dance. Hell, I’ll dance with just about anybody. I don’t like them to talk, you know, just to dance. I kind of use them like a stripper uses a pole.

Kelly: Oh, I didn’t say that’s how he picks me up. That’s how to meet me. Most of the time guys have nothing to say after I dance with them. They’re like fish – I just throw them back.

Kelly: Sure, if he’s the right kind of guy and says the right things.

Lori: [interrupting] Oh man, I almost NEVER give a guy my number.

Lori: Guys can be stalkers. The last thing you want is a guy stalking you. Most guys seem okay when you meet them, really quiet and unassuming, but then they become stalkers.

Kelly: Guys just don’t get it. They think because you give them your number they can just call and call. I hate that. Guys should realize that if they call and leave a message that we got the message and that if we really want to call them back we will.

Rene: In this age of caller ID people should assume that every one knows that they are calling and how many times they called. If you call and don’t leave a message then call back again and don’t leave a message a woman is just going to figure that you’re a stalker and that’s it. No one wants to go out with a stalker. Leave one message, just one message, and that’s it. Don’t keep calling.

Brenda: I gave this one guy my number and he called me five times a day for a week. If I had wanted to talk to him I would have called him back right away. Kelly: Guys think being persistent is complimentary. It’s not so complimentary, really. Being too persistent makes a guy seem like a stalker.

Marie: Guys have to understand that there is something essentially scary about men. And that they should steer clear of being scary. Like, this one guy followed me around an airport like he was my dog. I had to get the cops to tell him to stop bothering me. Did he think that I’d find that attractive?
Guys have got to get a grip on reality.

Kelly: And another thing I want to bring up: when I DO give my number to a guy, I want him to call. What is with this “I won’t call her for three days” crap.

Kelly: That’s bulls**t. If I give a guy my number he should just call. He probably seemed pretty eager when he was asking for it. If a woman likes him she’ll be glad to hear from him. Waiting a few days just pisses us off.

Lori: But it’s true, sometimes women don’t want a guy who is too eager. Women are sometimes attracted to guys who are aloof. The last thing you want is a guy who is up your butt.

Marie: Not necessarily aloof – confident.

Rene: That’s true.

Brenda: Confident. Absolutely.

Kelly: But down to earth.

Marie: He needs to show his confidence dancing. Even if he isn’t a good dancer he needs to show his confidence dancing. You don’t have to be a good dancer to show confidence.

Kelly: Confidence can go a long way no matter what you look like.

Rene: I’ll lie and give him a fake number.

Rene: I’ll take his number if I really want to call him.

Kelly: Rene and I lied to some guy the other night. We said we were both students at Harvard home for a break. We said we were roommates.

Kelly: Hell yeah.

Rene: Kelly will lie about her age, her name, school, address – you name it, Kelly will lie about it.

Kelly: I don’t want to give guys my real information because I don’t want them to be stalkers, you know? It’s easier than telling a guy to get lost. You can always tell him the truth later. Guys don’t really care.

Rene: Sometimes we pretend to have accents.

Kelly: Hey, guys can do it, too. Why not pretend to have an accent.

Rene: I love accents on guys. Foreign accents that is, not New York accents or Southern accents. An English or Australian accent is really nice. A guy gets extra points for an accent.

Kelly: Take a risk and don’t be cheesy.

Brenda: How about “Should I call you in the morning or just nudge you?”

Brenda: Hell, I ended up marrying the guy.

Marie: My current boyfriend used “how’s your heart?”

Lori: It’s not the line, really. I mean, we’ve heard them all. I bet between us all we’ve heard every line that ever existed. What really matters is what works for that moment.

Rene: Yeah, a guy can’t come up to you in the middle of a White Stripes concert and say “Hey, I lost my Teddy Bear, can I sleep with you instead?” I mean, that’s awful. But if a guy asks how you like the concert or if you like this kind of music or something that makes sense, that’s okay.

Lori: One time in a bar this guy walked up to me and said “do you really need to wear those glasses, or do you just like looking sexy?” That was great. I hate my glasses and was only wearing them because my contacts were out of commission. Compliments like that work great.

Brenda: Definitely, compliments make you feel more attractive.

Marie: But you have to be sincere. And simple.

• “Tell me, where do you get your clothes?” (consensus: awful)

• “You have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.” (consensus: fantastic)

• “You have great hair – who is your stylist?” (consensus: bad, unless you’re gay)

• “Have you seen any good concerts lately?” (consensus: not so bad, but not good)

• “What kind of man turns you on?” (consensus: terrible)

• “Are you from around here?” (consensus: okay)

Kelly: I guess, but a bar is pretty played.

Lori: Every woman expects to be hit on in a bar. Their defenses are up. It’s probably an okay place to meet women, but not the best.

Kelly: If it seems natural. Don’t be a stalker about it. But if you happen to sit next to someone that catches your eye, you can talk to them.

Rene: You know, I heard the train is a really great place to meet guys. Like instead of taking a plane you take a train. Guys can approach you on the train because it’s more relaxed and there are no assigned seats.

Brenda: Food shopping is a great place.

Rene: Yeah, a guy can come up with a lot of good things to ask you about while you’re food shopping. Like “I’ve got to cook a meal for my boss and I don’t know the difference between regular and Italian parsley.” Or, if you want to be really basic about it, “how can you tell regular potatoes from sweet potatoes?” But then she might think you’re kind of dumb.

Lori: Dale Carnegie classes – or any class – works well. Or the beach, that can be good, but unless a woman has a perfect body she might be a little nervous at the beach.

Kelly: Even if she has a great body she’s going to be nervous.

Marie: A bookstore is good. A guy can just ask you where something is, or if you’re in a specific section of the store, he can ask you if you like the kind of book that is in the section, like mystery or science fiction. Then he can ask you to recommend a book.

Kelly: Here’s a great rule of thumb – if she’s wearing makeup at the gym, you can absolutely ask her out. If she isn’t wearing makeup, stay away.

Rene: Starbucks works for me. But once again, he can’t be cheesy. He has to make sure that his line makes sense in Starbucks. I mean, he can’t ask me to dance or anything.

Rene: The sexually charged look always gets my attention.

Kelly: I know. It’s better than a pick up line for a lot of women.

Marie: And Rene is the queen of the sexually charged look.

Rene: Well, it’s all about eye-to-eye contact. And not saying anything. The key is to hold off saying anything as long as you can. And gentlemen, it’s eye to EYE contact, not eye to BREAST.

Kelly: And no winking, for God’s sake.

Rene: If the look goes on for a solid five minutes then it’s okay to approach the woman. Also, you’ve got to break away from the look for a count of 30 at least once and then look back. If she’s looking back at you then you’re in the clear. If she isn’t then it’s over.

Kelly: I meet a lot of guys online these days.

Lori: Really?

Kelly: At first I thought it was really kind of weird, you know, kind of like a meat market. But it’s really easy, and it helps me screen out guys really fast.

Kelly: Just seem normal. I mean, don’t seem all crazy and don’t seem boring. I guess it would probably work best if we had something in common.

Kelly: I guess it’s just best to list a lot of hobbies and interests and figure that something will make an impression. Also you’ve got to stand out somehow. To me 90% of the guys online say the same stupid things. I mean, you can say some of the same stuff, but don’t repeat everything.

Kelly: Yeah, it’s too easy to say “no, not you.” There are just so many guys to choose from that if there is any reason to screen a guy out I will. The guy just has to make sure he doesn’t give me a reason.

Kelly: Funny will work. Smart will work, but not TOO smart. He just has to stand out.

Kelly: I really don’t have to. Thousands of guys have emailed me. I mean, it’s literally in the thousands now. I can hardly keep up with them. I live near New York City, so there are a lot of guys in the area. So I immediately try to start weeding them out. Too tall, too short, generic profile, anything.

Kelly: First off I don’t think there is a single guy who participates in online dating within 100 miles of me who has not emailed me. And if there is, there is no way that I have time to go looking for a guy on one of these date sites. There are far too many people emailing me. Plus, why would I want to put myself out there to have to email someone? I’m on one of these pay-by-the-message sites, and I’m telling you I have never, ever paid to send an email. I get so many of these that every night that I’m not on a date I’m sorting through the emails I get. It’s like it’s a full time job.

Kelly: Yeah, I do. Why would anyone submit themselves to the humiliation of these online dating services unless they were interested in going on a date? It’s not like you’re at a restaurant or a bar and maybe you’re just out for a night with the girls. If you’re online then you are definitely looking for a guy.

Kelly: When a guy sends an email, a funny or clever subject line helps. And make sure you don’t talk about how sexy you are – that’s a real turn off. Don’t brag about yourself or talk about how much money you make, I really don’t care about all that. Just be natural and not stuck-up. And don’t be a stalker – I can’t tell guys about that enough – DO NOT BE A STALKER. It’s not a turn on to be stalked. Maybe it’s a turn on for guys to have a woman stalk them, but it’s not for women. So if you’re reading this and you’re stalking someone right now, just cut it out.

Kelly: No. Just get to know me via email. Don’t rush things. If I trust you I’ll trade phone numbers with you. Then after we talk on the phone you can ask me out. But I’m not going to meet a guy unless I talk to him on the phone first. And I’ve got to see a picture of him, so guys, get a decent picture of yourself. Something that’s been taken in the last five years, because I don’t want any surprises when I go out on a date. If you’ve recently gained thirty pounds I want to know about it before we go out. Your winning personality is not going to smooth over the fact that you’ve been hitting the buffet a little too hard. Just be honest, for God’s sake. Even if you’re turned
down via email it’s better than wasting my time on a date and pissing me off. You don’t want to be on a date with me when I’m pissed off.

Kelly: Of course not. A romantic dinner for the first date is the last place I want to go with a guy I don’t know. If I’m at a fancy restaurant I can’t just leave if I don’t like the guy, I’ve got to endure hours of him droning on and on about some boring thing or another. The worst guys are the boring guys, the ones that only talk about themselves. And also, the last thing I want is to feel as if I owe you something at the end of a date just because you took me to a fancy restaurant. I’m not owing you anything, buddy.

Lori: Whoever asks the other person out pays.

Kelly: No way – HE pays, no matter what.

Rene: Whatever feels right at the time. Maybe he pays, maybe we split it.

Lori: That’s right.

Rene: Not necessarily. Whether he scores is based on if I like him and if he’s hot, not whether he pays or not.

Marie: I think it should be based on economic necessity. Whoever can most afford to pay should pay. That seems the most fair.

Rene: Kind of takes the romance out of it, however.